Real trust grows gradually, over time, as each person risks a little more and doesn't get hurt. The slow growth of trust is why - once the trust is broken - it's difficult to recover. One goal of couples counseling concerns working through these trust issues and coming out the other end with a stronger relationship.

Violations of Trust

When someone violates a commitment and harms another person in the process, trust doesn't just lessen, it often goes away entirely. For example, if someone violates their wedding vows once, even after years of being faithful, the marriage is usually over. Just one violation can put every trust issue the relationship in doubt.

If you're the injured party, recovery only comes if you're willing to risk again, and gradually let your partner try to earn your trust back. That can be difficult and time consuming. By the time two people are ready to try to recover, there may be several trust violations and retaliations. In these cases, both partners need to consciously review the relationship and see if the benefits outweigh the betrayals.

Irrational Trust Issues

Sometimes we have irrational trust issues. Trust issues can be hardest to overcome when they are irrational because they are not based in reality. In these instances, jealousy may be an anxiety that stems from low self-esteem. One partner may feel they don't deserve the other. Many people can get over the milder forms of this type of anxiety as their trust in their partner grows. Some, though, have such a severe anxiety that their distrust actually pushes their spouse away. In these instances, couples and individual counseling may be helpful.

What is Needed to Build Trust

Building trust is a skill we are suppose to learn from our parents. In order to build trust in a relationship, we need to be able to do the following:

• Create meaning and understanding
• Apologize effectively
• Explain point of view
• Make commitments
• Follow through on promises
• Discuss how promises are being kept